I did something appalling on Friday night - I cheated. For the first time in my life and after I am happily settled I had a one night stand, it meant nothing but (apart from the guilt and paranoia) felt incredible.
I don't really know how it happened, I was away from home for four days and I suppose I was feeling neglected and unfancied. I know my partner adores me, he tells me every day how much he loves me and he does say regularly that I am "pretty" - but it's not a sexual thing, I feel like his daughter or his pet a lot of the time. He's not a sexual person really, when we do make love it's fantastic but he's definitely a twice a week on a good week kind of guy and when he kisses me it's pecks, we only ever "snog" if we're going to have sex and no matter how often I tell him I want him to fancy me and kiss me passionately he just doesn't take it on board. Lately we'd done the deed even less than normal - admittedly we did spend the Sunday before I went away in bed but it was just hand and mouth action and the time before that was the previous Saturday (7 days before not "yesterday") and again that was just foreplay type stuff - we'd not made love "properly" for well over 2 weeks. The rest of the time his huge love for me is completely protective and caring but not remotely sexual. Added to that although he knew I was going away for 4 days from Thursday he went away for Monday and Tuesday when really he could have done that at any time so I was feeling rather neglected.
Anyway I was in a new place where I didn't know anyone, but I was getting on well with the group I was with and on Friday night we went out. Just before going out though I suffered an attack of paranoia and decided nobody in the group I was staying with liked me ... eventually after an hour on the phone to my sister she told me I was a twat and made me find my group and meet up - which I duly did.
The party I was out with were great and we went for food and drinks and basically after drowning my fears with 7 single malt whiskies I was up dancing and drinking Moet out the bottle with everyone else. Then I met this guy who looked just like a lad I went to school with, who I've since re-met and kind of regret not having got with at the time. But my partner is the man I want to grow old with so though the boy from school would have been willing to meet for a few rendezvous he's not the one so I've not done anything about it.
Anyway after prancing about on the floor for a while, I get back and see one of my party, we'll call her Cat, chatting up a guy from the stag night party who were also out in a strange town for the night. I had the audacity to tell her off coz she's got a husband and she said she was only flirting and would never cheat ... in all honesty I agreed wholeheartedly with her.
Then I'm not really sure what happened but I was sat next to the lad who was previously being chatted up by my friend. Now there were 3 of us girls at that table - Cat is a very big black girl, Jade is a blonde haired orange bimbo and myself who is the combats and vest top and a tiny bit of mascara type - I'm pretty sure (though I was very drunk and a bit paranoid still) that the lad ... lets call him Daniel coz that's his name! ... was after Cat, I think he'd have settled for Jade and I'm sure he only went for me coz the others weren't so blatant!
Anyway I'm digressing! After a bit of normal conversation we discovered we were both taken, he had been married just 2 months ... I grabbed his left hand and told him I was super impressed he was keeping his ring on and he admitted it was coz it was stuck and I joked that he was safe to flirt with. I can't remember what happened next but next thing (must have been 20 minutes though) I know we were outside the club and sitting on a wall thinking about going our separate ways but you know how sometimes you meet someone and you just don't want the night to end ... I knew I had to be at work for 7am but I couldn't bear to go back to my hotel just then (and I am the most boring person when it comes to getting a good night's sleep - especially as Saturday promised to be (and was) the most important day in my career to date.)
So he asked to kiss me ... always a good one for me no matter how cheesy it sounds, indeed my partner asked to kiss me the first time too. And I teased and said I wasn't sure I might knee him in the nuts - he took the risk and looked very relieved when he found out I was joking and he was an amazing kisser and the first guy I've fancied (and wasn't paying me huge amounts of money) that I've kissed since the day I met my partner.
We would have left it there but then a lad from my party who not only had developed an amazing crush on me but was also an incredibly annoying know-it-all asked if he may walk me back to my hotel and so I said I was chatting to my "long lost friend" and he'd walk me back later - even though Mr Annoying had turned up at the point where we were saying goodbye (and probably saw the whole thing.)
So we were obliged to hang about a bit longer til Mr. Irritating disappeared, then it was only natural that Daniel would walk me home. All along he was told "I'm not shagging you" and I truly meant it. When I told him I was using him for a hug coz I was away from home and lonely I was telling the truth and he accepted it. But of course there was the chemistry and he ended up in my hotel room and my God did that boy worship my body?!
My partner is good, better even than Daniel (though Daniel was super talented) but he looked at me in such a way as my clients do. But he wasn't a middle aged bloke with a saggy wife of 20 years - he was my age with a fresh young wife and I'm pretty sure a penchant for large black girls with enormous bottoms (Cat's bottom was AMAZING!) Yet the way he looked at me and stroked me and fucked me 3 times (once urgently, twice with such tenderness) and complimented me constantly and even when he thought I was asleep was a real hit, a lot more so than the orgasms that never came (coz just as he brought me too I saw my partner and before feeling guilt thinking "why doesn't he adore me like this?")
Now I know after almost 3 years the lust dies, but my partner has never once looked at me with anything in his eyes other than appreciation. My theory is it's because before me he's only ever shagged one girl (when he was drunk) and had only messed around with other women when drunk or high (he was a bad boy, he's since turned good and would never touch drugs now.) His entire sober experience of women before me, was girls on TV, Films and Porn - he's never seen cellulite EVER in real life and so when he first saw my (at the time pretty much flawless) body he assumed it was the norm - yes I had the odd pimple but he's not stupid, he knows about air brushing! And now I'm a rather out of shape size 12 I've let myself go a bit in his eyes, he'd never actually say that but I know he thinks it a little ... anyway I've decided to cure him by taking him to the beach next summer and letting him see lots of semi-naked ladies!
So the next day I felt really guilty and I didn't go out on Saturday (our final night with the group of strangers who became friends) I was the only one and looked anti-social going to my room immediately after getting back from work at 9pm but I was just too terrified to go out as he said he couldn't wait to see me again.
But although I do wish I wasn't that shallow and didn't need to be adored I don't really regret it. I do feel guilty and certainly feel dreadful for betraying my poor partner (though after saying that Daniel did only get the sex coz he spent many hours holding and hugging a drunken me telling him how much I loved my wonderful fiance!) But the experience of a one night stand was great fun, telling the lad he was to give me my business card back so he couldn't have my number and kicking him out after a night of passion was empowering ... so funny, his face told me he was insulted and yet impressed by being used for his body, I think overall he was pleased - after all as I said he should think himself lucky I'm not seeing what size pot his bunny takes!
Yet that guy was so appreciative it really made me feel good (physically) he didn't want to leave, he stroked me and whispered sweet nothings - I'm not deluded I know he is cheating on his poor wife of two months, I know he would have been whispering exactly the same compliments changed to fit with Cat or Jade if they'd been easy and desperate for attention, I know I'm not the gorgeous angel he told me I was - but it felt wonderful to be adored like that and I wish with all my heart my own partner would make the effort to seduce me and find me so gorgeous he can't keep his hands off me!
Anyway I eventually got 2 hour's kip and went to the most important career thing I ever did and luckily I got through on adrenalin and it went better than I hoped - I'll not know til next year the outcome of my efforts of the last 4 days but I think I've done more than enough to push myself forward and maybe even be able to afford to give up the whoring forever!
My one night stand ... I don't know how I feel about that! I'm thinking maybe the guilt was worth it, normally after going away from my partner I get back and his laid back hug and peck on the lips infuriate me and I wonder why he's not thrown me down and ripped my clothes off then and there, we invariably have a row or a sulk after being apart. Today we hugged and chatted and went for lunch (he's at work so we only got an hour) and everything's great between us because I can see that he's just the way he is and he does love me, he's just not passionate. If my work thing went as well as I think it did, from next year I'll be working away a lot - if I'm careful and don't get diseased or make an emotional attachment perhaps the odd passionate night would do me and my relationship good? It works for some of my clients!
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