So had an appontment booked with D1 at the weekend, it'd been booked for ages and I was well prepared and know him so not nervous or anything.

However, come Saturday morning, my bloody body let me down ... surely it was only a week or two since the last one? Unfortunately I have no natural rythmn and can go months and months with no curse then three come along at once, VERY annoying!

Still never mind, I didn't have to take my knickers off for this one so I carried on preparing, false nails - check, tasteful matching bra and thong - check, vibratey things - check, stockings and suspenders - check, sexy secretary outfit - check ... so just to get my stillettos I put in the wardrobe last time I wore them.

Could I find those stilettos? Could I Fuckery! I searched high and low and I found one of them - ONE!!! Now most people lose the odd sock, not me, I lose shoes, it ALWAYS happens. Now I have got a puppy and a big garden and in the past I have wondered if my lost shoes have ended up buried somewhere by my pup. But how could a puppy open a locked door, then open a wardrobe, select one shoe from a pile of clothes and shoes and bags that reaches almost to the top of the cupboard, close the wardrobe, lock the door and go off to bury the shoe without being seen? Yes I know it's not possible, evidently the sock goblin needs shoes to go with all his odd socks!

Anyway, eventually I set off with a pair of pretty office shoes and crossed fingers and arrived only 8 minutes late ... never actually been on time yet! It was all acedemic anyway as I arrived in trainers adn jeans and when I went to change in his bathroom I realised I'd left my shoes in the car and decided to wing it - needless to say he was so taken with the rest of my outfit he never even noticed the missing shoes - sometimes I feel I'd be better servicing women ... they notice stuff! lol.

So I did what I had to do with D1, actually I'd done what I had to do within 4 minutes of arriving but felt I should hang around a bit trying for a second coming  which obviously never happened he is mid 50's after all. 

Anyway I think from now on I shan't kiss any clients, unfortunately I have to kiss the ones who are used to it but not any new ones. I've never liked it but it was worse this time because I was actually thinking about what I was doing rather than concentrating on satisfying the man and whilst he was kissing me I gagged!!! I'm sure he must have noticed - poor man, I mean he's not that gross or anything but I was just stood there thinking "so you've got an old man's tongue in your mouth for £100, what would your boyfriend say, see his tongue is in your mouth" etc. ... it's not good to do that, one NEVER thinks about what is actually happening whilst it happens.

Anyway, I think the Fish has given up on me because he never gives me notice and if I've got something planned or I can't get hold of my security guy to tell him where I am I can hardly drop everything can I? Unfortunately I get the impression that the Fish feels for about £100 a month on average he is my boss and I have to drop everything to be there - shame really apart from Simply Red he's fab.

Got another potential booking at the end of the month, this will be a bit better in that I reckon I'll actually have a bit of fun - it's not the normal giving an old man a hand-job, but the bad thing is he reads my blog ... that won't stop me from writing an honest opinion of him here though! lol.

My real life is pretty cool at the moment, I'm growing vegetables and pickling onions at home and meeting clients and training new staff at work - no one would ever guess what my night job is - so strange, I wonder what secrets other seeming ly respectable, plain, ordinary people have?

Hello there, sorry I've not been about much. Not been working so had nothing to report really. The Fish and I keep missing one another and then today I got his message asking me to work and I'm like "Yay! at last I need the dosh" and then I realise that unfortunately I am "unclean" and while I'm sure there's plenty of guys who'd pay for that kind of thing I fear the Fish isn't one of them!

So here's a survey incase you'd like to get to know me better.

A fact about the person you love ...
HE'S VERY TALL

What happened at 10:00 am today?
MY BOSS GAVE ME A LOVELY GIFT

When did you last cry?
WHEN I READ A SAD STORY IN A BOOK ABOUT 2 WEEKS AGO

What do you want in your life right now?
ABOUT £40,000 WOULD MAKE MY LIFE COMPLETE! (MORE WOULD BE EVEN BETTER!)

Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
NO 

Something you just don't understand?
BIO-CHEMISTRY ALWAYS STRUGGLED WITH THAT AT UNIVERSITY

What is the last thing someone bought you?
CONCERT TICKETS I THINK

When was the last time you saw number 3 on your top friends?
NOT SURE WHO THAT IS BUT PROBABLY NEVER!

Where did you last eat?
IN MY SITTING ROOM

Name someone whose name starts with the letter "A".
ANDREA!

Who's the most annoying person in your neighborhood?
I LIVE IN THE COUNTRY SO THE POULTRY ARE THE MOST NOISY THINGS AND I DON'T THINK THEY CLASS AS PEOPLE!

What were you doing at 8:30PM last Friday night?
I WAS AT A MAKE-UP PARTY

What are you thinking of right now?
CAMERON DIAZ

What did you do today?
JUST WORKED ... OR MORE LIKE MAINLY PRETENDED TO WORK WHILE I SURF THE NET OH AND I INTERVIEWED A LASS TOO, SHE SEEMS NICE AND IS STARTING NEXT MONTH.

Do you have a job?
YEP

What are you doing right now besides this survey?
DRINKING TEA AND PRETENDING TO READ SOME REPORTS

What are your plans tomorrow?
GOING TO WORK - MIGHT ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING TOMORROW!

Exactly where did you get the clothes you're wearing right now?
MAINLY EBAY!

What is your current problem?
WHORES SHOULDN'T HAVE PERIODS!

Laid in someone elses bed today?
NOPE

Last time you spoke to someone you like?
WELL I LIKE MY COLLEGUES SO JUST 10 MINUTES AGO - THE PERSON I LOVE WAS AT ABOUT 7AM TODAY.

What are you looking forward to this week?
FRIDAY!

Have you ever had your heart broken?
YEAH

Do you like someone right now?
YEP I LOVE SOMEONE TOO!

Why did your parents give you the name you have?
PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY LIKED IT?

Who was the last person you yelled at?
MY GRANDDAD BUT NOT IN AN ANGRY WAY BUT BECAUSE HE COULDN'T HEAR ME AND MY SHOES WERE HURTING TOO MUCH TO WALK OVER TO HIM

What is something you do when you are mad?
GET VIOLENT OR DRIVE TOO FAST WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY VERY BAD AND SO I TRY AND TAKE DEEP BREATHS AND CONSIDER THE CONSEQUENCES OF LOSING MY TEMPER

Have you ever cried when you're mad?
YEP

Hiya,

Sorry I've not been on, got an injury and a whore on crutches isn't the sexiest thing, then I felt a bit too fat to be charging between £45 and £200 per hour so I never bothered working ... therefore I had no guilty concience so there was little point blogging!

Anyway, the Fish had tried to book me for today - but unfortunately I only got the message today so he's gone elsewhere for his kicks (hope it's the golf course!) and I've been in contact with another guy who can only be described as a filthy pervert and I'm really quite looking forward to meeting him at the end of the month, but other than that it's just been people who live near me (horror of horrors - NO WAY!) and time wasters ... so here's a stolen survey!

What is your greatest fear? CLOWNS AND CHAINSAWS

What is your earliest memory? MY MUM TRYING TO FEED ME AS MY DAD GOT RESTLESS WANTING TO PLAY WITH ME - I MUST HAVE BEEN LESS THAN A YEAR OLD AND MY PARENTS WERE STILL KIDS THEMSELVES!

Aside from property what is the most expensive thing you bought? EITHER A HOLIDAY TO CANADA OR A CAR ... THAT IS UNTIL I GET MY MOTORBIKE IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS!!!

What would your super power be? I'D BE ABLE TO HALT TIME SO I COULD FIT EVERYTHING I NEED TO DO IN!

If you could edit your past, what would you change? I WOULDN'T IT MADE ME WHO I AM

Have you ever said "I love you" and not meant it? OF COURSE

What is the closest you've come to death? DUNNO - PHYSICALLY I SUPPOSE WHEN I ALMOST DROWNED AS A KID, NEAR MISS WISE I GUESS THE TIME I LANDED MY CAR IN A TREE TOP

How would you like to be remembered? AS A POSITIVE ROLE MODEL, A PERSON OF GOOD COMMON SENSE, A SUCESSFUL AUTHOR AND AS SOMEONE WHO MAKES OTHERS PROUD TO BE BRITISH!

What is the most important lesson life has taught you to date? THINGS REALLY DO HAPPEN FOR A REASON AND FEW THINGS ARE NEARLY AS BAD AS THEY SEEM AT FIRST.

Well I had the most amazing week away, it was so lovely, no money worries or other stress, no getting up for work before 6am - just relaxing in a gorgeous cottage and walking for miles each day with our dogs.

I came back to a request from the guy I think we called D1, and I turned him down, was meant to be visiting him for an hour on Wednesday and I didn't. I wasn't feeling too good, but also I think after the week away and not needing money I'd kidded myself I could survive without that root of all evils - pah! I mean I didn't say "no, never again" I am after all a business woman at heart! but I did turn down £100 for an hour's work ... unfortunately I got paid today and when I checked my account I was £228.35p OVER my £1,800 overdraft limit - so obviously those bastards at the bank will charge me an extra £35 plus interest plus £35 if anything else bounces before I can get money to my account!

Not only that I turned the guy down because of a sense of loyalty, I felt awful for "cheating" on my boyfriend (I mean I know there's no emotional attachment but he's a bloke and we all know when it comes to affairs women are hurt by emotions and men are hurt by someone else going on their territory!) But the thing is my bloody boyfriend is just not interested in me physically at all at the moment - I got it Sunday morning because I practically forced him into it and when I tried it on last night he caused an argument and I ended up on the sofa ... how frigging fair is that?! I totally felt like "confessing" just to hurt him last night, but reason prevailed (for now) - but no way am I apologising and no way am I ever, ever going to proposition him again ... he works a lot and his drives not that great but if he can manage to wank (which he does) he can manage to make an effort for his girlfriend, it's not like he can't, he just won't!

And the other thing pissing me off about my bloody bloke is he doesn't appreciate the way I look. Now he does have a really great body, but he's slightly obsessive about it and he expects me to be the same. Now I can get paid £100 per hour for a bloke to drool over my body - now I'm no Kiera Knightly but I can't be that bad surely? Yet my boyfriend all but calls me a fat pig, if I try and eat a cake or sweetie he's there "jokingly" teasing me. If I decide to not go to the gym and stay home to cook his bloody dinner and clean up his bloody mess I'm "slacking off" - seriously I am getting so annoyed with him this week I am thinking that Soapy Suzie might become a bit of a leisure activity too, coz lets face it if my own boyfriend feels the need to compare me to unrealistic women (honestly he thinks film starts are real!) then I'm going to go and get an ego boost from men who know what other real women look like naked ... my dear boyfriend never saw a real live woman naked when he was sober before he met me! You never know it might even save my relationship coz the way that selfish buggers made me feel this week I'm close to ending it with him, I need to be appreciated and complimented or else I might as well indulge in the pleasure of junk-food and idleness, no point staying gorgeous for me - that's just what women who can't get a bloke say!

Well no posts and no work for a week - I'm off to spend a lovely week being the real me with my boyfriend and not worrying about money and work and whoring myself out!

Got guy number 2 ... we'll call him D1 practically as soon as I get back, but he's nice and civilised and fairly rich, might be in for an extra tip or two from him which will pay the rent for the week I get back.

Also think I'll have a booking from a guy called D2 (yeah I am imaginative!) pretty much as soon as I get back, three times he's tried to book my services and three times I've not been able to fit him in - now I realise with things like hairdressers you want the guys who can't see you for ages coz it means they're good, but does that extend to prostitutes? Anyway, maybe it'll be 4th time lucky with this chap.

So see you all when I come home.

Andrea x

So there was me yesterday afternoon preparing for the man we will call Fish when my boyfriend came home - EARLY!!! Now normally when he comes home unexpectedly I'm delighted so I think he wondered what was wrong when I suddenly went a bit white ... luckily I'd not got as far as getting tarted up or there really would have been some explaining to do!

Anyway I made an excuse to pop back to the office and emailed "Fish" to tell him my mum had come round unexpectedly - luckily he was happy with that but said he'd really like me to go over after my mum had left ... well what could I say?

Later that evening my boyfriend had to go and play for his sports team so I knew I'd be able to get over to see Fish (he's a 45 minute drive away) do the biz and then hopefully dip myself in the pool before heading home and saying I'd popped out for a swim.

Well it all went quite well really - legged it out the door 10 minutes after my boyfriend, drove well over the speed limit to the town between the Fish's and mine, dropped into a supermarket loo to put my face on and arrived only 15 minutes later than I'd said I would (well 3 hours and 15 minutes but I explained the 3 hours earlier!) As before Fish was friendly, sweet and polite, not at all pervy and very complimentary. Unfortunately I had to strip to Simply Red but there you go hazard of the job I guess! We were finished within 50 minutes and after a wee chat about his ex wife and girlfriend I was dressed and back in the car.

So I got to the pool and the buggers wouldn't let me in even though it was ages to closing. Then I remembered I had to go back to the supermarket, while there I lost my key and while frantically running round panicing my boyfriend rang me again to say he'd got home from his game early and was wondering where I was!

Eventually I got back to my office, had a quick wash with freezing water and paper towels (we didn't do anything too gross but another guy had been licking bits of my chest which my boyfriend might want to lick later!) and finally burst into the house with a dry swimming costume, a full face of make-up (apart from lippy) and a manic look about the eyes ... and my dear sweet boyfriend just told me how sexy I looked - how bloody guilty did I feel?! ... I told him I'd gone to the gym but had forgotten my card (which was actually true) and then just gone to the supermarket to kill a bit of time - funny til I started doing this I'd never ever told him a lie now I seem to be sneaking around like a dishonest, cheating liar every day, I'm not enjoying that bit and I can't wait til we've put down a deposit on a house and I can stop all this skulking about.

Anyway, it was including the rushing about and travelling about 2 hours of my life and I am able to give my boyfriend £100 towards our credit card bill so I suppose we are that tiny bit more closer to our dream than we were this time yesterday.

So guy number one just emailed me and asked if I'd like to work for him this afternoon, a striptease, just an hour and a wee bit of relief, might not be too horrendous after all I know where he lives and I'm pretty certain he's not the bludgeoning, torturing rapist my next new guy could be - I've been reading about serial killers lately, it's like some sort of morbid fascination, I just accidentally chanced upon an article and though it terrified me I couldn't stop reading, and then I read about more and more and now I'm having nightmares and cold shivers - not a wise thing for a person with a soft disposition to be thinking about even if I had a safer kind of job!

So yep we've got a load of bills to pay and I know roughly who this chap is so why not, he's charming and polite and just confessed he was very nervous last time ... so thats where I picked it up from!  And to be honest I thought I'd messed up last time so it's nice to get a second chance, I mustn't have come across as quite as nervous as I really was!

Maybe I'll name the fellas so I can remember them better in my blogs and so you can build up a picture - though of course I wouldn't tell you anything that would identify them! - This one can be called Fish ...I know why, you just have to come up with your own conclusions!

Oh dear I've a dreadful back-ache ... I hope I can manage the old sexy strip routine ... what will I wear? Oh Gosh do you think all prozzies have to go through this much stress and organisation before a job?

Maybe I'll wrote tomorrow - have a nice Easter Monday those of you lucky enough to be off work.

You are a rude, ignorant prick. It really is no wonder your wife doesn't want to shag you and you have to pay women just to get a look at a nice pair of tits. I wouldn't let you book me if you were the last punter on Earth and the repo-men were breaking down my door.

Do you honestly think I'd ensconce myself in a hotel room with a man who is so pushy and demanding before even meeting me? I have other men falling over themselves with politeness and compliments, I have never met a man so arrogant and rude as you, you really do think you are God.

Well let me tell you Colin the Celtic supporter you may be offering to pay for my services, but I am the one with the skills, I am the one who can say "no" and that's exactly what I am saying now!

Good grief you'd probably try and attack me physically if you are so bolshy in your emails - unless of course like all bullies you'd just cower and submit when cornered! I'm guessing you are a sad, pathetic little time-waster sat behind your computer with your pants round your ankles, you probably don't even have a wife, but if you do my God I pity her!

So my dear Colin Bhoy, no I will not be sending you any pictures other than the normal marketing shots everyone gets and everyone until now has been happy with. Nor will I ever be meeting you or giving you any kind of service what-so-ever, and you'd better hope we don't ever accidently meet because you are exactly the type of bloke that if I do meet I get angry with, I don't like bullies, I don't like wife-beaters (and I bet you are) and I most certainly don't like bolshy little know it all pricks who are usually middle-management, "look at me, everyone said I'd never make it" little toss-pots and when Soapy Suzie comes across them she avoids them and when Andrea Martin comes across them she humiliates them.

You have been warned, so leave me alone and crawl off back under your slimy little stone and if you are serious about paying for sex find some poor streetwalker from Aberdeen's harbour who needs the money so badly she'll put up with your arrogance and obvious inferiority complex!

Of course what I actually wrote was "no you can't have any more pictures, go away and buy a magazine and please don't waste any more of my time" - oh dear sometimes it almost hurts to be all Britishly polite!

How old are you? 29

Are you in love? yes

With who? my boyfriend

Do you have any children? no

What would make you the happiest? having a house with no mortgage!

Do you have any dreams that have already came true? yes a few

Do you own or rent your apt/house? a bit of both!

Do you like your job? what the escort stuff ... well I'd give it up if I could afford to but it's not as horrendous doing it as it is the thought of doing it - rather like a tax return!

What is it? call girl - whore - prostitute - escort - or Soapy Suzie's Exotic Cleaning Services if you want to use the full name!

What makes you feel good about your self? my boyfriend and a good work out and my pets

What is the worst job you have ever had? Well I suppose some would say this one or cleaning toilets in a hospital but to me the worst job was working in a nursing home I hated every second!

How long did you work there? about a week I think

Who is the one person in your life you can trust with any thing? my pal Stevie or my granddad

How long have you known them? Stevie about 4 years and granddad about 8 years (he's a kind of step-grandparent!)

What is one thing you want to do before you die? know that I have been truely happy and lived a fulfilling life

Do you hate surveys that ask about your fav. stores? yes I do!

Are you generaly a happy person? I was but I've been a bit of a gurny old bitch lately

What annoys you the most in people? them getting into my "space"

How many people do you love with all your heart? well my boyfriend ... that's it I think but there's plenty who get a big chunk of my heart!

Have you done anything intresting so far this year? I should imagine so!!!

Do you like to go for walks? yes

What kind of activites do you like to do when you have spare time? swimming and sports

Are you a neat freak? I never used to be but lately I've been a bit distressed by mess I think it's coz I've lost a wee bit of control in other areas of my life!

What bothers you the most if its not clean? phones - I've got this thing about public phones or even using them in other people's offices!

What is your favorite kind of candy? buttons or maltesers

What was the happiest moment of your life to date? pukey though it seems probably a week away with my boyfriend last year where we spent a lot of time on the beach and walking our dogs.

How many times have you said "I love you" and meant it? what today? three times - twice to my boyfriend and once to my rabbit!

Do you owe any one money? yep the bank, the student loans people and the tax man!

I've been very snappy at my poor boyfriend lately, I think I'm feeling guilty and subconciously trying to put the blame on him that I've taken to whoring out my body.

Obviously he's not at all to blame, he'd be horrified if he knew what I was up to and he works hard to pay for our future - it's not really his fault we spend over £60 per week on petrol and hundreds on gas, electric, rent, insurance, student loans and even bloody food now all the prices are going up!

He's also told me he'd be happy to live forever in our tiny little home if it meant being with me, but I'm going crazy with the lack of space and it always seems to be untidy because there's too much stuff and not enough cupboards! We've not even got hot water at the moment because the boiler's blown - it's a wash in the sink from water out the kettle or a trip to the gym to use the showers there at the moment (so I'm spending a lot of time at the gym!)

I don't know I kind of figured I'd sell my body a few times and hey presto we'd have a house, but obviously it's not going to work like that - got to pay off the overdraft first. My wages are doing that slowly though and the ill-gotten money's going to the bills. It'll still take time, but maybe only a year instead of the four we'd anticipated.

I'm wondering about what my boyfriend will think when I give the whoring up, I'm hoping I'll have a pay rise in the day job by then but it's unlikely to be an extra £100 - £200 a week, he's not noticed the extra money but maybe he'll notice it when it goes ... oh well thats a bridge I'll cross when I get there!

Got some good feedback today, a "thank you" note from Saturday's visit, telling me once again how beautiful I am and that he'd like to meet again in 4 weeks time - it'd be nice to build up a few regulars who I know won't beat or rape or murder me. See them each once a month - yeah that'd be a good way to earn my keep.